Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
