Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
