Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
