I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
