We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
