It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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