so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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