i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you inspire me to be a worse person
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
