Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
