i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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