I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
