I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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