We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
