Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
In America we eat man semen.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
