thus making me awesome and them whores
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
