We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
