She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
