my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
