ya dads aren't the best wingmen
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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