sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
