Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
