We won't sleep together?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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