Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
