Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
