Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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