it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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