you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
