are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
