Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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