They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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