mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have fence marks all over my body
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
