Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
