apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
