If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
