you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
apparently the secret to your success is patron
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
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