I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
