man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize