im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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