The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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