I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish i was in the wii world.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
