Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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