Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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