Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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