Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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