Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
