apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
