My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
