You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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