I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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