I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
