He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
