We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
