Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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