I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
