I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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