He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
