I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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