he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
