Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
