how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Be still, my beating vagina.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
