My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
